Where are You?

On the horizon the sky is black with Rage. Undone I have become as my blood has ceased to flow. The sky has eclipsed the Son. I question whether my heart still beats or not. The rain is all that I can feel. I try to kill the Silence. Is that Your voice in the thunder or just my mind deceiving me again? 

How much longer my Lord must I rend the Heavens with prayer? How much longer must I stay on these calloused knees? Until blood is drawn? How much lower can I bend to the earth? Or must I bury myself below? Must I be covered in dust? Or must I beg the question until I become one with the dust?

“Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?”

-Matthew 27:46

Must I speak? Or must I scream? Are You listening? Have You forsaken me? For this day? For eternity? I seek Your face but all I see is a vague shadow. Uncertainty overtakes me as to Who I have set my eyes upon. I seek Your Word but it has become to me as a foreign tongue. Have I lost the ability to understand? I seek Your touch but all I feel is nothing. Winter’s chill has left me Numb. I seek Your Spirit to resurrect this dead and rotting soul. But all that I find is Desolation.

There was a time. Yesterday I was a different man. A man of God. A man full of The Spirit. Full of The Word. Full of Truth. A man that people ran to with questions. A man that people sought for prayer. A man that stood between The Sheep and Darkness with Sword and Shield in hand. A man with a path. With a vision. Passion. Zeal. But today I am broken. An old tale of what once was. A “Once Upon A Time…”. I now am left with memories. A memory myself I have become. A shell. An epitaph of my former self captivates me as I look upon the grave of that man that once was. How beautiful the words! Wayward now.

When will Your mighty hands break this?

Maybe I have drifted too far into the shadows. Is it even possible to lose myself in a place that You cannot find me? Does such a place exist? Maybe I have become too far gone and have entered into a realm that is unfathomable. Unspoken. To a place on the outskirts. A place where Darkness’s outlaws go to be forgotten. Maybe You have forgotten me as well? Or maybe You are speaking to me? Yet this Distortion deafens me. Nevertheless, all of the pieces fall out of place. No?

When will Your Holy Fire burn this all down?

But now I am here. Reaching into the shadows for a hand that will not be there. Again. But when? When will it finally take me? When will these feeble and broken prayers be answered? Ever? Never? Will this end tonight or will Midnight swallow me whole one last time? I ask questions before a God that does not speak to me anymore. I listen to the Silence that I have grown used to. Uncomfortably singing me to sleep with a hymn of nothing. The Son sets again behind the clouds. Eclipsed. Was that You in the thunder?

How much longer?

“For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’”

-Hebrews 13:5b