“I’ve built myself to hide behind. I’m alone now, but with my mind.”

-Christopher Mays, from the song Solitude 

Frantic.

“It’s so cold in here! Why is it always so cold in these places?” My eyes searched the room. This was all so new to me. In my 43 years of traversing this earth it has never happened before. I had seen it happen to others. I had been there to witness it on many occasions. But now it was my turn to feel it. Wires adorned my body. Needles fed me through my arm. And that beeping. That beeping belonged to me. But I could not turn my head to see what the monitor was saying. I would have to take my Bride’s word for it. How did I get here?

Disgruntled I was as I once again had to clean the mess of another lazy coworker. Disgruntled I stay in this thankless job. Constant backstabbing and trash talking from The Elites against us Labor Lackeys. Sweat pours down my brow. Oh what I would give for a taste of The Elite’s air conditioning. All I can ever offer to God is a half hearted “Thank you” for being here. He knows my heart. I’m not fooling Him or anyone else. I’m appreciative of a paycheck. Albeit it is never enough. Certainly not worth the pain. But my half hearted thanks is as far as I can get. And then I stepped down from the ladder.

My breath hastened. My heart raced. My palms soaked. My breath sped up even more. I could not catch my breath. I felt that I was suffocating. Light headed. Low blood sugar? It too was abnormally elevated. I had to sit down. But it just would not stop. I was coming undone. Fear had gripped me by my throat. What was happening to me? I made the decision to have a coworker drive me home. Possible heart attack? No. Possible plummeting blood pressure? Perhaps. However, that theory was dispersed as the home test revealed dangerously high blood pressure. It was time to go. An emergency was at hand.

Before the machine could pump into my veins a much needed remedy for the dehydration, I came together. Levels started stabilizing. My heart slowed down. Breathing normal. Odd it was. My body healed before the treatment. I didn’t think much of it at the time. My head hurt. My body was worn out from the beating by the hands of Frantic and Fear. It was time to go home.

A new daily regimen was created. A daily dose of electrolytes to combat this demon of Dehydration. Evidently the gallon and a half of water that I consume daily isn’t enough. The Elites were concerned. As well as the Labor Lackeys. I was of even more concern. Would this treatment be enough?

Exactly two weeks later I pulled into the parking lot. Before I could right the wheel something like hot water poured over my body. Only I could not see it. “It” returned. My heart raced. Grasping at each breath. Sweaty palms are hard to work with. My head pounded. I took an emergency electrolyte treatment. Nothing. I knew then that this was different. “I’m not dealing with Dehydration”. I would have to sit and wait on my Bride to come get me. Exhaustion set in as my body was being violated by this Unnamed Feeling for over two hours now. “What is going on? Will I die? Why didn’t this treatment work?”

After we had put my place of employment in the dust, my symptoms began to subside. We had pulled into a neighboring parking lot, out of view of my workplace. I’m thinking “What are you doing? We need to get me to the ER and back on fluids!” She had told me “We’re not going anywhere until you check your blood pressure and sugar.” Both levels were normal. After a moment of collecting myself we drove to the nearest Chic-fil-A, where I got a salad. It was near my lunch time. Then we drove to get everyone donuts. As I was waiting in the drive thru I knew that I could not go back to work. Again I was exhausted and my head hurt. As I texted my supervisor to tell him that I was coming back for my car, my heart started racing again. Palms sweating. As we pulled back into the parking lot, I could feel it waking back up. I looked away from the building. From everyone. I could not bear to take it in again.

It quickly dawned on me that I was not dealing with Dehydration. It was a byproduct of what I was truly fighting. A demon named Anxiety. I was having panic attacks. “The Fear of Fear” they call it.

Years of mental and psychological abuse had finally mounted up and breached the levee. Years of being treated like garbage by The Elites. Years of being thrown into the path of a bus for things that I’m innocent of. Years of being talked down to. Years of backstabbing and back talking. Years of being told how to do a job that I’ve been doing for twenty years by management that has never done my job. Years of having my name called all day long. From across the warehouse. From beside me. From the phone page. From twenty feet away. And I’m not even management. Years of being pulled into 400 different directions by 20 different people as I do the work of three people for 40 hours a week. Years of having multiple people talking into my brain. Many times all at once talking over each other. Years of being clawed at. Stretched. Pulled apart. Cracking and breaking. And… you… can’t… stop… it. You have to suffer to survive. Bleed to be. 

In my head all was fine. Another part of me had another agenda. First my mind. Then my body. I became divided as this wretched shell broke by the weight of Stress. My mind never saw it coming. I had lost control of myself. 

“And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. Now when evening came, He was alone there.”

-Matthew

It was not uncommon for our Lord and Savior to pull Himself away from the madness of the crowd to be alone. To take it upon Himself to set His heart upon Heaven and enter into the presence of The Father in prayer. In many cases we do not know what their conversation was about. We do know that the weight of His ultimate sacrifice on Calvary caused Him to sweat blood under the shadows of Gethsemane’s trees. Christ was divine. Christ was human. Was it that His humanity had driven Him to find Solitude? That He may hear the tuning of himself to God? That the outside noise of this world would drown out such sweet fellowship? That, like the songwriter said, “I’m alone now but with my mind”?

“Now in the morning, having risen a long while before daylight, He went out and departed to a solitary place; and there He prayed.”

-Mark

It is necessary for us to do the same as it was necessary for The King of Kings and The Lord of Lords. We cannot stand under the weight of this Sin stained world without a quiet time to be alone with God. From prayer closets to the cab of a parked car. From simply bowing our heads to opening The Word. It is a much needed reset. It must be done daily. We think that we may stand without Him? Eventually we will break under the weight of the world. Atlas we are not.

Many people, especially those of The Way, do not understand mental health. It is natural for someone to worry. Maybe they are awaiting the results of a biopsy. Maybe there is a bill due that they cannot fund. Maybe pink slips are being given. Maybe a loved one is on the operating table. To not have concerns and worry is to not be human. When someone is burdened by Worry, it is common for a believer to simply respond with “it is a sin to worry”. Many may even portray an attitude of “Pull up your big boy pants and quit your whining. It’s not all about you”. If they’re burdened by Depression they may be viewed as being selfish. Depression is many times the child of Anxiety. Anxiety is birthed from Worry. But also, as in my case, it is birthed by Stress. Different people handle different levels of stress in different ways. Some better than others. We are all built different. I am a solitary man and I always have been. Solemn. Quiet. Introverted. My current profession is the only one long term where people stay in my head all day. Until this point there was ample opportunities to meet with Solitude. Ample opportunities to ponder the things of God through the day. Opportunities to pray in silence while I worked.

I write these words in a lunchroom. I shut the door behind me and pray that they do not hunt me down and turn the knob. It is the only time that I can escape. Where I don’t have to share the air with another. Nowhere else on this property will suffice outside of my car, where I do have to resort to from time to time. Back corners of the warehouse. Abandoned aisles. Someone always finds me and shouts my name. 

We need to find our escape room. Our place where we can dine with Solitude and feast upon the riches of being alone with our Savior for restoration. Where we can fine tune ourselves to the perfect pitch of a God that waits upon us in a realm outside of Life. 

“I come to the garden alone,
While the dew is still on the roses,
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.”

-Charles A. Miles, from the song In The Garden